Big Wedding Dress

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7 reasons not to mess with a child

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
******
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
******

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or loo king up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
******

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
******

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. " "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
******

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

******

Few More Jokes 4U : (1) Kingfisher -The King Of Good Times (2) Here comes the mallu. (3) Don't Call Home For Money (4) FAMILY PICTURE

Intelligent ?

A Proof of which Gender is Intelligent An English professor wrote the words:

" A woman without her man is nothing"

On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly..

All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful!!

Fastest Truck On Earth

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Speeding

Ramankutty Nair, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.

He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

Relationships

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*******

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

*******

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

********

English Funny Lecture

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ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

*******

Few More Jokes 4U: (1) How to weigh yourself (2) LITTLE JOHNNY DIGS A HOLE (3) A to Z...!! (4) how fire got invented

Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now."

*******

Next Joke? Honesty is the best policy....

Accidental shooting prank Funny

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A gorilla job

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.


As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts,

But Hey!


He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.


During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

*******

Few More Jokes 4U: (1) Stolen Money (2) Is your Daddy home (3) To: My loving wife (4) The Four Cats !